The Office of Civil Rights and Title IX hosted an online conversation on Thursday to discuss coercive control and abuse in relationships in recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
The event was organized by Dr. Derrick Lathan, the deputy Title IX coordinator of prevention and training. Lathan emphasized the importance of understanding when a relationship becomes abusive as a first step towards seeking support.
“Before we can respond or support someone else, we have to be able to recognize when something that we may dismiss as complicated, toxic, or just a difficult relationship may actually reflect patterns of coercion, control, or abuse,” Lathan said. “And then we can take action from there.”
During the event, violence prevention and emotional intelligence expert Thecia Jenkins led the discussion, sharing stories and lessons from her career.
For over 30 years, Jenkins has worked with universities, healthcare systems and advocacy organizations to strengthen coordinated responses, improve communication and increase safety.
She began by explaining what domestic violence actually is.
“Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior – key term, pattern of behavior – in which one person uses verbal, physical, sexual or spiritual abuse in order to control the other person in the relationship,” Jenkins said.
She emphasized that domestic violence can come in a variety of different forms, and oftentimes, it isn’t physical. Isolation, verbal and emotional abuse, intimidation, threats, financial control and manipulation can all be forms of abuse as well.
“Very often, we’re looking for the black eye. We’re looking for the broken bones,” Jenkins said. “Here is the reality, we can be in an abusive relationship and never, ever experience physical violence.”
Isolation is a major form of coercive control that Jenkins sees. She explains that it could look like a partner discouraging someone from keeping up relationships with friends and family, convincing someone to leave a school organization or an activity or maybe even controlling which or how many classes someone takes.
“That is coercive control. That loss of freedom to actually have friends. That loss of freedom to be able to even choose your classes,” Jenkins said.
Verbal abuse is another form of domestic violence that Jenkins often encounters. She told a story of a registered nurse who had been out of an abusive relationship for about 10 years. She was an immigrant, and her previous partner would constantly degrade her, telling her that her English wasn’t good enough to get a job. Even after 10 years, she still worried that people wouldn’t understand her.
“Ten years post-relationship and still the words that had been spoken over her were keeping her captive in that relationship,” Jenkins said. “Coercive control has the person begin to doubt themselves.”
Jenkins went on to explain that intimidation is another major form of domestic violence. Intimidation doesn’t necessarily have to involve physical violence. It could be something like hitting a wall or throwing something across the room.
“When you’re experiencing fear and your nervous system is totally dysregulated every time that person comes into the room, it’s not complicated,” Jenkins said. “It’s coercive.”
Coercive partners can also be threatening. Their threats don’t have to involve physical harm to be abusive. Instead, they could threaten to expose intimate pictures and videos or share someone else’s secrets.
“The reality is, you trusted someone. You trusted someone with your secrets. You trusted someone literally almost with your life,” Jenkins said. “Now, because they feel as though they are losing control over you, they will use all of those secrets, they will use the love, the compassion that you have towards them to continue to keep you in that relationship.”
She closed the conversation with a reminder that everyone is worthy of a healthy relationship and encouraged the attendees to recognize signs of abuse or coercion in their relationships.
“I am here to tell you, you deserve to be loved,” Jenkins said. “You deserve to have freedom. You deserve to pursue the goals that you have.”
